One Big Happy, Disfuctional, Drunk, Oroing Family
by Robin Rainyday
Summary: Kenshin is staying with Hiko's for awhile and it was all going fine... until kenshin unleashed... HER... not even Kenshin's god like speed can save him now! Kenshin's 16? No but SHE seems to think so! If she doesn't kill him Hiko will!
1. The Dark and Stormy Night

Disclaimer: I'm not going to say it you can't make me I WANT KENSHIN HE'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNE . . . AND BATTOSAI!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kenshin: oro . . . -_____-;; every time . . .  
  
Battosai: You did the disclaimer for the Yu-Gi-Oh people  
  
Rainyday: THE YU-GI-OH PEOPLE AREN'T AS COOL AS YOU TWO!!!!!! (hugs Kenshin and Battosai)  
  
Kenshin: @.@ oro . . .  
  
Battosai: GET HER OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~~  
  
It was a bright and sunny day . . . okay I lied it was dark and it was stormy I just thought it would be cliché but that doesn't matter. It was a dark and stormy night and Kenshin Himura AKA Himura Battosai, AAKA Baka Denshi was inside with his Shisho's house sharing a moment! AWWwww.  
  
"BAKA DENSHI!!!!!!!!!!!" Hiko screamed.  
  
"Ooro!!!" Kenshin cried ducking Hiko's attack.  
  
"Shisho! Sessha didn't mean to!" He yelled quickly jumping away from the cup flying at his head.  
  
"YOU DESTROYED IT!!!!!!!!!!!" Hiko yelled trying to nail his Baka Denshi in the head with a spoon this time.  
  
"BUT WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT IT DE GOZARO KA?!?!?!?"  
  
"IT KEEPS HER AWAY!!!!!!!!" Hiko yelled.  
  
"Her?" Kenshin whimpered now trapped in a corner. Hiko towered above him arm raised and then just sighed. His shoulders slumped and he sat back down miserably.  
  
"Shisho?" Kenshin asked timidly, he had never seen his master so angry before.  
  
"Well you might as well know Baka Denshi . . . after you left I was . . ." Kenshin had a look of shock, did his Shisho miss him after he had left the mountain? Had he actually felt lonely without his Baka Denshi to kick around had he . . .  
  
"Dirty . . ." Hiko finished. Kenshin blinked.  
  
"Erm . . . what?"  
  
"My clothes, they were dirty!" Hiko snapped glaring at the confused Kenshin.  
  
"Oro?" Kenshin managed to get out too baffled to say anymore than that.  
  
"Laundry . . ." Hiko added, "You could do laundry very well I'll admit, don't let it go to your head."  
  
"Laundry? That's it? Laundry? That's all that you missed about me?!?!?" Kenshin asked in astonishment.  
  
"Of course!" Hiko answered.  
  
"Nothing else?" Kenshin persisted.  
  
"Well you cooking was better than mine . . . it seemed like I lost a wife . . ."  
  
"A WIFE?!?!?!?!?!" Kenshin yelled.  
  
"Well yes, you did the laundry, cooking, cleaning and all that other woman stuff . . ."  
  
"I WAS YOUR STUDENT!!!" Kenshin yelled in protest.  
  
"Oh yeah . . ." Hiko said with a look or recollection on his face, "Well, you were remembered for your cleaning skills." Kenshin started muttering darkly under his breath with a blush on his face.  
  
"Well anyway let me continue!" Hiko said, "So there I was, without a Baka Denshi to do laundry for me. I tried to do it myself, but I couldn't get the stains out like you. You see, so I had to do the unthinkable."  
  
"And what was that?" Kenshin muttered still upset about the woman comment.  
  
"I had to go into town," Hiko said darkly and then glared at Kenshin.  
  
"Town? You go there all the time for your sake!" Kenshin exclaimed.  
  
"Yes . . . but it's what I MET at town. It was the darkest day in the history of Japan, the worst day of any Mitsrusyugi master . . . the day I met . . . her . . ." Kenshin blinked.  
  
"An enemy?" Kenshin asked.  
  
"No . . . my . . ." Hiko began. There was a loud knock at the door.  
  
"I'll get it," Kenshin said to his shaky master.  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!" Hiko shouted, but it was too late.  
  
"Erm, hello?" Kenshin asked out into the rainy night.  
  
"HIKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" came a loud shrilly happy female reply.  
  
"Oro?" was all Kenshin had time to say before he was run over by a speeding woman.  
  
"BAKA DENSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hiko yelled trying to hide behind a curtain.  
  
"HIKY MY LOVE I'VE FINALLY FOUND YOU!!!!!!!!!" shouted the woman tackling Hiko to the ground and hugging him senseless.  
  
"@_@ oro . . ." Kenshin could only mutter on the ground covered with foot prints, "Even I don't have that kind of speed, that I do not," he said dizzily.  
  
"GAH!!! GET OFF OF ME GET OFF OF ME GET OFF OF ME GETOFFOFMEGETOFFOFMEGETOFFOFME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hiko screamed at the woman. The woman gave him a huge kiss and finally let the master swords man rise to his feet.  
  
"AND WHO'S THIS!!!!!!!" The woman suddenly yelled seeing Kenshin (finally) oroing on the ground.  
  
"That's my Baka Denshi . . ." Hiko muttered.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The woman yelled in distress grabbing Kenshin by the ponytail and examining him.  
  
"How could I what?!?!?" Hiko demanded.  
  
"MARRY ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!!!" She yelled.  
  
"Sessha is a man for Kami-sama's sake! Oro . . . @.@" Kenshin protested trying to wiggle away from the woman's grasp.  
  
"I know that!" The woman shrieked, "HIKO HOW COULD YOU HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN'S SON!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"  
  
"SON!?!?!? THAT BAKA!?!?!?" Hiko yelled.  
  
"AN HOW COULD YOU CALL YOUR SON A BAKA?!?!? HIKO YOU'VE CHANGED!!!!!!!" the woman said angrily finally letting Kenshin drop to the floor.  
  
*THUMP* "ORO!"  
  
"And I thought you loved me!" The woman cried.  
  
"NO I DON'T!!!" Hiko screamed.  
  
"When did you have him? Did you have an affair?" She asked.  
  
"I only met you eighteen years ago!" Hiko protested.  
  
"WELL HOW OLD DO YOU THINK HE IS?!?!? HUH HUH???????????????? SIXTEEN THAT'S HOW OLD HE IS SIXTEEN!!!!!!!" the woman cried.  
  
"THE MAN'S TWENTY EIGHT!!!!!" Hiko shouted in exasperation.  
  
"Mommy is that you de gozaru yo?" Kenshin mumbled with another bump on his head from his trip to the floor.  
  
"Awww what happened to him . . . HIKO HOW DID THAT CHILD GET A BUMP ON HIS HEAD?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
"YOU DROPPED HIM!!"  
  
"OH WOULDN'T THAT BE CONVENT!?!?!?"  
  
"Nice and white . . ." Kenshin said happily in la la land thanks to the bump on his knoggin.  
  
"ARE YOU SAYING I'M ABUSING A TWENTY EIGHT YEAR OLD BAKA THAT JUST CAN'T KEEP THE DOOR CLOSE?!?!?!?!?!" Hiko shouted in anger.  
  
"WHERE'S HIS MOTHER, SHE'S DEAD FOR COMING ON TO MY MAN!!!!!!" The feisty woman shouted.  
  
"MommY?!?!?!" Kenshin shouted dazed. Hiko sweatdropped.  
  
"His mother is dead . . ." he explained.  
  
"DEAD?!?!? DEAD BEFORE I COULD KILL HER?!?!?!!?!!?!!? NO FAIR!!!!!!!!" The woman shouted.  
  
"SHE WAS DEAD BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!!"  
  
"OOOOOORRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Kenshin cried out, the yelling was giving him a headache. The woman looked at him and back at Hiko.  
  
"Hiko . . . even though you cheated on me . . ." The woman began.  
  
"I DID NOT CHEAT ON YOU!!!" Hiko shouted in exasperation.  
  
"I'm willing to forgive you, move back in and help raise your son, why not? I'll raise him as my own! WE'LL BE A BIG HAPPY FAMILY THIS WILL BE GREAT!!!!!!!!!!" The woman shouted.  
  
"BIG HAPPY WHAT??? ONE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU FORGIVE ME CAUSE I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. TWO, HE'S NOT MY SON HE'S A TWENTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD BAKA. THREE HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE RAISED. FOUR, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU. FIVE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BIG HAPPY FAMILY. SIX, IT WON'T BE GREAT. AND SEVEN, WHERE THE HECK IS MY SAKE?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!"  
  
"Now, now I know you don't mean it . . . group hug!!" The woman shouted grabbing Kenshin and Hiko and getting them into a hug hug.  
  
"I like tofu . . . fish and wooden swords don't like me . . . neither does Saitou but Saitou's a jerk . . ." Kenshin babbled.  
  
"LETMEGO LETMEGO LETMEGO LETMEGO LET . . . ME . . . GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~~  
  
Rainyday: And that was chapter one, who is this mysterious woman . . . and why on earth would she even love Hiko?  
  
Hiko: Hey -__-;;  
  
Kenshin: @___@ oro . . . that woman really drops hard . . .  
  
Battosai: Say it Rainyday . . . or else Kenshin will never say 'oro' again!"  
  
Rainyday: NOOOOOO!!!! FINE I DON'T OWN RUROUNI KENSHIN OR IT'S CHARACTERS I DO OWN THE FREAKY WOMAN IN LOVE WITH HIKO BUT REALLY SHE SCARES ME AS MUCH AS SHE SCARES HIKO AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT LAWYERS I'LL STILL MAKE PATHETIC FANFICS FOR NO MONEY MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Kenshin: @_@ oro . . .  
  
Rainyday: yay!  
  
Battosai: (sighs) this is going to be a LONG story . . . 


	2. Mommydono

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin but unfortunetly I do own that scary woman that trampled Kenshin U.U;;  
  
Rainyday: Hello hope people are enjoying this but before I continue I would like to have a moment of silence for Nicknack who died of laughing (sheds tear) we'll miss them...  
  
(Somewhere out of view)  
  
???: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Rainyday: erm... just a moment... (Runs over to sound then runs back) ... erm... it's ... a miracle! They're alive! (yes that will do) Oh and my OC is from England so when you see words like this #Word# it's in English and most likely the Japanese Characters won't understand it.  
  
~~  
  
When Kenshin awoke he realized two things. The first thing was that he was tucked into bed so tight that when he tried to get up he nearly choked himself. The second thing was that the smell of burnt, blacked, ashy pancakes coming from outside.  
  
"@__@ oro... what hit me?" Kenshin muttered finally able to get one arm out of bed to feel several large bumps on his head.  
  
"OH HIKY!!!!!" Came a high pitched cheerful voice, "Time for Break--- fast!!!!!!!"  
  
"NO!!! I WILL NOT EAT... Eat... eat... what the Hell is that?" Hiko's voice could be heard sounding disgusted and fearful at the same time.  
  
"Oro? It wasn't a dream? There actually is a strange woman that ran me over in the middle of the night?" Kenshin asked himself blinking.  
  
"BAKA DENSHIN GET OUT HERE AND COOK SOME ACTUAL, EDIBLE FOOD!!!!!" Hiko yelled.  
  
"Yes Shisho!" Kenshin yelled, and then realized the duties of a woman were once again falling on to him... even though there was an actual woman already here. Kenshin sweatdropped.  
  
"No respect." Kenshin said struggling to get out of his blankets. After finally getting up he tripped on an empty sake jar.  
  
"@_____@ Orrrrrrrro... no ... respect ... at ... oro..." Kenshin muttered rubbing his head again after earning himself another bump.  
  
"OH KENSHIKINS BREAKIES!!!!!!" The still unknown woman shouted.  
  
"Kenshi-kins?" Kenshin mumbled to himself.  
  
"KENSHIKINS? FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, THAT BAKA IN THERE IS TWENTY-EIGHT AND HE IS NOT I REPEAT NOT! MY SON!!!!!!" Kenshin heard Hiko shout.  
  
"SHUT IT RIGHT NOW MISTER!!!!!" The woman yelled and to Kenshin's amusement and horror he actually did. Cautiously, Kenshin stepped outside to see Hiko with a mouth full of... black... stuff... he certainly hoped he didn't have to eat that... that... stuff...  
  
"How much do you want Honey?" the woman asked sweetly.  
  
"Anou..." Kenshin said trying to think of a way out of it ... well actually maybe it wasn't that bad ... it couldn't be as bad as Karou's right? Right?!?!? He looked at the ashy black... thing... then again...  
  
"I'll have ... umm ... sessha isn't that hungry and..." Kenshin stuttered.  
  
"Nonsense! A growing boy needs a good breakfast!" the woman exclaimed. Hiko finally managed to spit out the awful food and glare at the woman.  
  
"Are you kidding? My Baka Denshin hasn't grown a centimetre since he was twelve! That's as good as it gets height wise!" Hiko said. He was promptly hit on the head with a frying pan.  
  
"DON'T CALL HIM THAT!!!!!!!" The woman said getting a looked that even rivalled Karou's and Misao's! Suddenly her face turned sweet again, "don't you listen to him dear. You'll get a growth spurt soon enough!"  
  
"He's twenty-eight, he's been waiting a long time," Hiko said again. The woman obviously wasn't listening.  
  
"Now, Kenshin, how much would you like?" she asked the sickened looking Rurouni.  
  
"Anou ... anou ... anou ... Wait! Before I do have some of that delicious looking food—"  
  
"Delicious looking? Are you blind again?" Hiko asked earning him another whack with the frying pan.  
  
"Anou, what should I call you?" Kenshin asked. The woman, who had been glaring at Hiko, brightened.  
  
"Oh! My name is Susan. You can call me #Mommy!#" Susan said joyfully giving Kenshin a hug.  
  
"Mommy?" Kenshin said trying to squirm out of Susan's arms, "it's quite an ... interesting name ... and yet it sounds strangely familiar ... I should have paid more attention when Katsura-san was trying to teach me English. That I should have."  
  
"You know English?" Hiko asked trying to get the woman's attention away from Kenshin for once taking pity on his poor Baka Denshin. Susan finally let go, and looked at Kenshin in delight.  
  
"You do?!?!?" she squealed.  
  
"Erm... yes... well not very good... that is... I was taught a little, I only know the basics... like... #hello#" Kenshin said in a rather unsure voice.  
  
"AWWW IT'S SO CUTE WHEN HE DOES THAT ISN'T IT HIKY?!?!?!?" Susan shouted.  
  
"Don't call me Hiky..." Hiko grumbled.  
  
"Say something else!" Susan said. Hiko rolled his eyes, "You'd think he was a circus act... then again he's not that far off—"  
  
*THUMP*  
  
"Oww..." Hiko muttered rubbing his head from another attack of the frying pan.  
  
"Erm... Mommy-dono ... why don't I clean up for you since you made us such an ... interesting breakfast!" Kenshin volunteered quickly trying to make a quick, clean escape.  
  
"Aww, how sweet. He is SOOOOO SWEET!!!" Susan said giving Kenshin a big kiss on the cheek. "You must have done SOMETHING right in your life to have such a kind-hearted child Hiko ... too bad the Father isn't like the Son!"  
  
"I am NOT his Father!" Hiko protested. Kenshin had already run away with the dishes trying to get his thoughts in order without getting hit, dropped, hugged, or kissed. Unfortunately when he was finally out of sight... he tripped.  
  
*THUMP*  
  
"ORO!!!!"  
  
Yes, it was defiantly the beginning of a very, very, VERY long day.  
  
~~  
  
Rainyday: What kind of an author would be evil enough to do that to Kenshin!?!?!?! Oh yeah! ME!!! ^_____^ Read and Review please and then another chapter will magically appear!!!!!  
  
Battosai: ... I feel sorry for that poor Rurouni... glad it's not me! Wait a minute...  
  
Kenshin: @_@ I had to trip... you are me... this will happen to you in the future.  
  
Battosai: Damn it...  
  
Hiko: to clear the record I could have easily dodged the frying pan... I just chose not to...  
  
Rainyday: Four times.  
  
Hiko: Four times... hey... 


	3. Hiko's Past Troubles

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin but I do own the Wanderer Heart of the Sword... what? It's the same thing? Darn it I thought I had you fooled!!!  
  
Rainyday: -_______-  
  
Kenshin: erm...  
  
Rainyday: -_______-  
  
Kenshin: Rainyday-dono?  
  
Rainyday: -_______-  
  
Kenshin: You feeling okay?  
  
Rainyday: -_______-  
  
Battosai: (pokes Rainyday with a Stick)  
  
Rainyday: (goes into huge coughing fit, retches, groans, moans, then falls over) X___X  
  
Keshin: O.O BATTOSAI WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!?  
  
Battosai: I ... don't... know... but... ^_^ I feel proud of myself for doing it!  
  
~~  
  
Hiko looked around nervously hiding behind a tree in the thick green forest near his shack. He had been out there for about half the day hiding from Susan. Even the sound of squirrels made him shrink in fear.  
  
"That woman is going to be the death of me..." he muttered.  
  
"There you are!"  
  
"AH!!!!!" Hiko yelled, he spun around and saw Kenshin standing before him. Hiko let out a sigh of relief.  
  
"Baka Denshi," Hiko mumbled, "be more quiet... she could find me..."  
  
"Who is that woman Shisho?" Kenshin asked curiously amazed at how such a small though... energetic woman... could scare a master of the Mitsiyugiryu style. Hiko had a grim look on his face.  
  
"She's..."  
  
"Yes?" Kenshin asked.  
  
"She's..."  
  
"Go on!" Kenshin encouraged.  
  
"She's... my wife..."  
  
"WHAT'S THAT?!?!?!" Kenshin yelled in shock.  
  
"Keep it down Baka!" Hiko hissed. Kenshin quickly put his hand over his mouth and looked around the forest to see if Susan had heard him.  
  
"Mommy-dono's you're Wife? You? The cranky, grouchy..."  
  
"Hey..."  
  
"Mean spirited, scary..."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Bad-tempered, testy..."  
  
"Hey!!!"  
  
"Crabby, irritable..."  
  
"That's enough Baka!" Hiko said glaring at Kenshin.  
  
"Drunken, old, Hermit that lives on a lonely mountain?" Kenshin finally finished. Hiko glared at him.  
  
"Yes in fact," Hiko said indignantly.  
  
"How on earth did you of all people get married?" Kenshin asked in disbelief. Hiko sighed, "I'll never forget that day... it was a day like any other day... other than the fact that my clothing was filthy, I was out of Sake, I was eating burnt food everyday, and ... oh yeah, and you were gone..."  
  
"Thanks a lot Shisho..." Kenshin said sweat dropping.  
  
"Well, anyway," Hiko continued, "I was tired of it, the feeling of constant dirt everywhere, the taste of blackened ash in my mouth, the fact that I couldn't forget it with a few gallons of Sake..."  
  
"...Shisho... you're defiantly an alcoholic..." Kenshin muttered.  
  
"Don't interrupt..." Hiko snapped and started telling Kenshin the story of how he met Susan...  
  
~~Flashback~~  
  
"Okay... it can't be that hard if the Baka can do it..." Hiko said, he looked at the soap with the utmost concentration and began scrubbing his shirt.  
  
"Carefully... carefully..." He said with determination.  
  
"Yes... yes!" he said starting to get the hang of it.  
  
"I think I'm—" at that moment the soap slipped out of his hand and whacked him on the forehead.  
  
"Yeoch!!!!" he yelled rubbing where the soap had hit him.  
  
"DAMN IT!!!" Hiko shouted kicking away the washbasin, "who am I kidding? This is impossible! I never thought I'd say this but I miss that Baka... stupid war... no! Stupid Baka Denshi! This is HIS fault!!!!" Hiko grumbled throwing his shirt into a pile of soggy half clean laundry.  
  
"It's times like these I wish I wasn't a hermit..." he muttered standing up and walking to his small shack where he had lived with Kenshin for more than ten years.  
  
"Maybe I need a dog..." He sat heavily at his table looking over at the chair Kenshin used to sit in. He sighed.  
  
"He could cook too..." Hiko said mournfully looking at the burnt rice he had prepared for himself.  
  
"I thought for sure he would be back by now, but no! He's not, he's run off to ruin his soul, or getting killed, or ruin his soul then getting killed, or ... or ... I bet he hasn't even cleaning his sword properly that Baka!" Hiko rambled, over in the corner he saw his sake jar.  
  
"If there was a better time to drink sake now then I don't know what time that would be..." he said picking it up and taking a huge sip. He blinked and looked inside it, "What the... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOW I'M OUT OF SAKE!!!!!" he cried, "THIS IS NOT A GOOD DAY!!!!!!" He threw the Sake jar out of the small window then looked around the small shack he called home. There was the small kitchen, the small bedroom, his bed; his Baka Denshi's bed... his... wait a minute.  
  
"That Baka forgot his blanket! He'll get cold without it... as a matter of fact I'll bet he'll freeze to death without it! He's stupid enough to do that! Well now it's settled, I have to find him and give him his blanket!" Hiko said standing up purposefully picking up the blanket and dashing out of the shack. (A/N: and remember folks, he's not even drunk!)  
  
~~Moments later~~  
  
Hiko walked back into the shack.  
  
"No, I'm not going to find him!" Hiko said franticly to himself, "he'll come back on his own... that's right, he'll come CRAWLING back begging me, just BEGGING ME to learn the final technique!" Hiko said with a slight insane look on his face.  
  
"But... but right now, what I need is Sake!" he said, "and maybe finding a good dry cleaner... and maybe buying some food... you know what? I think I'll move into the city until that Baka comes back!" Hiko said grabbing all his soggy laundry as well as all the money he has and began his journey towards Kyoto.  
  
~~  
  
Rainyday: -____-  
  
Battosai: (laughing his ass off at how Hiko reacted when he left)  
  
Kenshin: (has tears in eyes) I didn't know Shisho cared!  
  
Rainyday: -____-  
  
Battosai: (finally notices Rainyday isn't lying on the ground coughing anymore) aww...  
  
Kenshin: ... umm Rainyday-dono... you okay?  
  
Rainyday: (moans) no... coughing... really bad... (Coughs) hurts... (Cough) must put this on FF.net... must not fall unconscious must not... X___X  
  
Battosai: Aww, Hell I'll put it up myself...  
  
Kenshin: That's oddly nice of you...  
  
Battosai: The sooner it's up the sooner it updates and I get to see Hiko suffer!  
  
Kenshin: -___-;; Battosai you're such as Saint...  
  
Battosai: ^_____^ I know, aren't I??? 


	4. What Hiko Needs is a Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin not matter how many times I torture the characters, not matter how many times I make the get bumped on the head or yell at each other or have an uncomfortable but humorous conversation it's not mine... but it could be... one day... it could... ... ... really... okay fine so it's not possible!  
  
Rainyday: ^_^ I love reviewers as I have said before they're the best people in the world ^_____^ so I shall now respond to the reviews!  
  
Nicknack: I certainly hope that you have gotten over your death by laughing otherwise I might be charged for murder... ^^;;;  
  
mrs to lazy to log in: No! Kenshin's MINE MINE MIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zenko: oh you'll see... and so will Hiko MUHAHAHA... erm... but I don't want to ruin it! ^_^  
  
tinaO_o'...^_^!: Don't feel sorry for them, when ever they're whacked on the head I give them Tylenol! (Precious Tylenol...) now they're as addicted to it as I am! ^_____^  
  
Inuyuki: I'm glad you like Kenshin and Hiko's new embarrassing nicknames!  
  
Master of Time and Space: Don't worry I lose touch with reality allllllll the t... ooo look at that pretty glowy light... oh wait it's just a lamp... oh well.  
  
d2k3001: I'm happy you enjoyed chapter three and soon you shall understand all the insaneness... erm maybe you never know with me...  
  
Charter Mage Z: It was my pleasure!  
  
Adrenaline Shockwave: (Sniffs) oh wow I'm really honoured! T.T that's one of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten THANKYOU!!! The thing Kenshin broke will be explained soon!  
  
saitofan108: I'm glad you like the silliness... and don't worry! It's not a party without Saito laughing at Kenshin's misery!  
  
Rainyday: Phew, I think that's all of them ^_^ as I said before gotta love reviewers ^_________^ the best people of all!!! Now on with the Hiko and Kenshin torture... I mean... story...  
  
~~  
  
~~Still Flashback in Kyoto~~  
  
"Okay so I'm dirty, hungry, and sober looking for a living place until my Baka Denshi comes crawling back, what to do first..." Hiko said to himself looking around the city. He was given wide berth since carried a sword, was big, dirty and looked scary... and also because of the smell.  
  
"What would be the perfect place for me to live?" Hiko said looking around.  
  
"Wait! I know! It should be obvious!" Hiko said snapping his fingers.  
  
~~At the Local Bar~~  
  
"I don't know... will you always smell that bad?" the bartender asked Hiko. Hiko sweatdropped.  
  
"No of course not!" Hiko said as politely as possible, "You see... umm ... My daughter married and now lives in Tokyo, my wife passed away three years ago... so..." Hiko said with a small pause.  
  
"Oh! I get it, yeah that happens to a lot of men that take up residence here," the bartender said. Hiko looked at him curiously.  
  
"They lose their woman, wife, daughter, mother, or aunt and are a complete mess nothing new here my friend... in fact there's a woman here that can help!"  
  
"Really?" Hiko asked in astonishment.  
  
"Yeah!" The bartender said with a nod, "but I must warn you..."  
  
"Warn me about what?" Hiko asked. The bartender opened his mouth to speak then quickly shut it.  
  
"I'll tell you later, cause she's come in right now." The bartender said pointing out a lovely brown-eyed woman with long raven black hair and rose red lips.  
  
"Wow..." Hiko said looking at her wide-eyed, he had been a hermit most of his life and so it wasn't often he got a chance to ... be in the company of the fairer sex. The woman walked up to him.  
  
"Ah, another that has lost a woman," she said looking at Hiko.  
  
'Close enough...' Hiko thought to himself.  
  
"Yes," Hiko said and then blushed, "is it really that obvious?"  
  
"Very..." The woman said with an amused smile, "in fact," she continued, "you're one of the worst cases I've ever seen, this woman must have done a lot for you and then to leave you ... abruptly? Yes, I can see that, it must have been very hard for you to try and adjust without her." Hiko laughed.  
  
"Yes, you could say that... the Bartender here said that you would be able to help me..." Hiko said leaning against the bar trying to look cool ... and failing miserably (A/N: he can only pull it off clean and with his sword). The woman smiled.  
  
"Yes I can, I can indeed!" She answered.  
  
"How?" Hiko said.  
  
"What you need," the woman said with a smile, "is a girlfriend!" Hiko fell off his stool.  
  
"A what?!?!" Hiko asked in surprise climbing back up with very little dignity intact.  
  
"A girlfriend!" The woman said, "someone to talk to about your troubles, someone to comfort you... someone to do your laundry!"  
  
"Who do you suggest?" Hiko said a little to surprise to say anymore.  
  
"I know just the person, trust me! You'll love her!" the woman said still smiling.  
  
"What? She's not you?" Hiko asked slightly disappointed. The woman laughed heartily.  
  
"Ohohohohoho, of course not!" the woman said (A/N: scaring the author by reminding her of Megumi).  
  
"Then who?" Hiko asked. The woman grinned.  
  
"It's a surprise, but I'm sure you'll really hit it off, you see she's a foreigner..." the woman said letting the thought of an exotic and mysterious woman sink in. Hiko smiled.  
  
"I'll be there with bells on!" He said laughing.  
  
"Erm yes..." the woman said, "and... I suggest that you have a bath and go to the drycleaners before hand okay?"  
  
"Uh, yes, alright." Hiko agreed.  
  
~~Later that Evening~~  
  
The woman spotted Hiko at the same barstool he was sitting at before.  
  
"Oh there you are! Well, here she is! Enjoy each other's company!" the woman said running off never to be seen (in this fic at least) again. Standing in front of Hiko was a small, slightly plump brunette with large hazel eyes. She looked rather shy and innocent to Hiko. She seemed like a good sort of person at first glance so, Hiko politely smiled and patted the bar stool beside her.  
  
"Hello, I'm Hiko," Hiko said giving the woman a charming smile willing to do anything for a temporary replacement for Kenshin. The woman grinned.  
  
"I'm Susan!" She said cheerfully, if only he had known...  
  
"So..." Hiko said not having much to go on, "tell be about yourself." The woman smiled.  
  
"Well... I'm from England, I moved to Japan five years ago. I'm a woman's activist; I'm dead set against that scoundrel Napoleon! I feel that men should learn that women are people too and that woman are not animals made just to do laundry and stuff like that and that..." it went on and on Hiko was scared.  
  
"But... I don't know... some woman like the position that they have come to in history..." Hiko said nervously trying not to blow it but also not being able to hold his tongue. Susan scowled at him.  
  
"No, no, no! Anything a man can do a woman can do just as well!" she stated plainly.  
  
"Well what about a drinking contest, all the woman I know can't hold more than four cups of sake!" Hiko said.  
  
"Oh, those woman just don't know their potential! In fact, we'll have one right now! You and me with the strongest Sake the bartender has!" Hiko shrugged. It couldn't hurt right? The woman would fall unconscious after ten cups and if it evolved sake he was always in!  
  
~~Three Hours Later~~  
  
"Kiss me you Beau-ti-ful woman..." Hiko slurred talking to the hat rack.  
  
"Alright Hicky!!!" The woman said happily still mostly sober kissing Hiko full in the mouth. Hiko smiled happily.  
  
"You taste nice... just like sake..." He said merrily.  
  
"Aww, you're so nice Hiky-poo!" Susan said beaming.  
  
"Ya know what?" Hiko asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I wanna ask you an important question this second... no wait... ten seconds cause I gotta throw-up, but right after that..."  
  
~~In the Morning~~  
  
"Ahh... my head... I haven't gotten a hang over since that time I first got into my Master's sake..." Hiko groaned. He turned over in the bed to face...  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hiko screamed in horror looking at the face of Susan.  
  
"GOOD MORNING HIKY!!!!!" Susan cried cheerfully. Hiko winced.  
  
"No so loud... why ... are you here... where am I?" Hiko asked. Susan laughed.  
  
"Why don't you remember Hiko? You're at my... or rather OUR house! Yesterday we got married!!!" Hiko gasped, he didn't... he looked down at his ring finger... oh God he did! His eyes bulged.  
  
"Baka Denshi! THIS IS YOUR DOING!!!!!" Hiko screamed and then winced rubbing his head again. Susan ignored him and got up to make breakfast.  
  
"Well... at least I have someone to cook breakfast..." Hiko muttered getting up as well to wash his face. He looked into the mirror and shook his head at himself.  
  
"How did this happen? One day you're life is wonderful with a Baka Denshi to do all the chores and to torture him and then he's gone and you get drunk and marry a complete stranger over night..." Hiko sighed rubbing his temple, he took a deep breath and gagged.  
  
"FIRE!!!" He shouted running into the kitchen. Susan looked up at him in confusion.  
  
"What on earth are you talking about?" she asked putting what appeared to be blackened eggs on a plate and setting it down on the table.  
  
"... the smoke... the food... it... burned..." Hiko said pointing down at the barely recognizable eggs.  
  
"Nonsense!" Susan said shaking her head, "they're just right! Try some!" Hiko choked on the first bit.  
  
"Never mind!" He said hoarsely, "I'm not hungry!" Hiko quickly pushed the eggs away.  
  
"Okay..." Hiko said.  
  
~~An Hour later~~  
  
Hiko stepped outside for some fresh air, everything was happening so fast after all. He looked up and gasped in surprise and revulsion.  
  
"O.O;;; WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SHIRTS?!?!?" Hiko yelled seeing all this shirts were now a ghastly colour of pink. Susan blushed.  
  
"Oh, it was a total accident Hicky-dear, I washed them with one of my red hats ^__^;;; so sorry!"  
  
"I... my... shirts..."  
  
~~After two weeks~~  
  
The past two weeks had been a living Hell. If Hiko were a smoker he would be up to about ten packs a day, but he wasn't. However, he was an alcoholic.  
  
"God's help me..." Hiko muttered not yet drunk. Hiko had now seen Susan's true colours. She was useless to him as a replacement for Keshin, not to mention she was down right annoying! She kept giving him new and more hideous pet names, she was lovey dovey, and she followed him everywhere saying they were perfect for each other and they would be together forever.  
  
"I'm DOOMED!!!" Hiko cried. The Bartender sighed at the broken man.  
  
"I tried to warn ya!" he said slowly cleaning one of his mugs.  
  
"Well you failed!" Hiko said with a glare.  
  
"I know someone that might be able to help!" the bartender offered.  
  
"What? An assassin?" Hiko asked.  
  
"No!" the bartender said shaking his head, "the guy sells charms, that woman Susan's had a lot of Boyfriends, you're the only one stupid enough... I mean... you're the only one I know that actually married her! Even so, I'm sure he can help you!"  
  
"I'm willing to try anything, where is this mystery man?" Hiko asked desperately. The bartender gave directions and Hiko was immediately on his way.  
  
~~At the Charm Sellers Shop~~  
  
"Are you Lesendo the Great-o?" Hiko asked walking into the small shop.  
  
"That I am!" The small man said from behind the counter of the odd little shop. It was filled from head to toe with shiny mysterious looking things, mysterious looking smells, and mysterious looking sounds. It had a mysterious feel to it...  
  
"Then maybe you can help me, you see, my wife, Susan—" Hiko began. Lesndo gave Hiko a frightened look.  
  
"You... you married THE Susan? The Susan that gives me most of my male business? THAT Susan?" Lesndo asked in amazment.  
  
"Yes... I was drunk... very, VERY drunk..." Hiko said with a sigh, "can you help me?"  
  
"Usually, I'm against splitting up a marriage, but in this case after what I've heard of her I have no chose... here... it's on the house." Lesndo said handing Hiko a small wooden bowl.  
  
"With this she will never be able to find you and it will repel her for as long as that bowl is whole, but once it is destroyed the charm is broken and she will be able to track you down." Lesndo said gravely handing it over to Hiko.  
  
~~End Flashback~~  
  
Of course Hiko didn't exactly tell Kenshin the story... like he remembered it...  
  
"So you're saying..." Said Kenshin, "that because of me leaving you needed a woman to take my place got tricked into marrying her found out that she wasn't... your type got a weird charm here and that very day packed your things and ran back to the mountain?"  
  
"Yes that's exactly what happened." Hiko said nodding.  
  
"Are you sure you weren't drunk when you married her Shisho?" Kenshin asked with a scrutinizing gaze. Hiko glared at him.  
  
"No, I don't get drunk. This is your fault. You're fault I met her, your fault that the bowl is broken... stupid Baka!"  
  
"I told you I was sorry! That I did!" Kenshin said apologetically.  
  
"Sorry doesn't make me single..." Hiko grumbled.  
  
"HIKY, KENSHI-KINS?!?!?!" Susan called.  
  
"Oh God, that horrible woman!" Hiko cried dolefully, he turned toward Keshin with an evil look, "Baka, you started this, you're going to end this!"  
  
~~  
  
Rainyday: ^______^;;;;;;; yeah Hiko's doom came from a broken bowl and Keshin ^__^ hahahahaha  
  
Battosai: ^___^ I wish I had seen Hiko's face when he had woken up that day...  
  
Kenshin: U.U;;; oro... 


	5. Kenshin's Friend

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, I do own that horrible woman and as well a grave stone because someone thought I was dead... --;;  
  
Rainyday: (looking at grave stone) ... not that bad actually... if I scratch out the date of death I can use this...  
  
Kenshin: UU;;; oro...  
  
Battosai: ... Oo;;; you have issues... BIG issues...  
  
In the Forest  
  
"HIKY, KENSHI-KINS?!?!?!" Susan called.  
  
"Oh God, that horrible woman!" Hiko cried dolefully, he turned toward Keshin with an evil look, "Baka, you started this, you're going to end this!"  
  
"What do you mean Shisho?" Kenshin asked with a worried look on his face. Hiko glared at him with a murderous intent.  
  
"You know exactly what I mean Baka." Hiko said.  
  
"But Shisho!" Kenshin said.  
  
"THERE YOU ARE!!!!!!!!" Susan squeaked happily.  
  
"...erm... #hi# mommy-dono!" Kenshin said.  
  
"THAT IS SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled. Hiko and Kenshin sweatdropped. Kenshin dodged before she could hug him.  
  
"Kenshi-kins honey, a friend wants to know if you can play." Susan told him getting a strange look on her face, "He's at the front of the house!"  
  
"Anou..." Kenshin mumbled... who would know that he was here that could come... the others are visiting some of Kaoru-dono's friends of her family. Curiously, the Rurouni went to the front of the small shack.  
  
"Himura Battosai," said a cold, dark, and generally freaky voice.  
  
"Oh no..." Kenshin mumbled, "...Saitou?" Saitou came out from under the shadow of a tree. He nodded flicking away one of his cigarettes.  
  
"Saitou... this isn't exactly a very good time right now..." Kenshin tried to explain.  
  
"Look Battosai, I don't like it either but unfortunately the country needs you again." Kenshin twitched.  
  
"Oro... can't sessha take a day off?" Kenshin asked. Saitou rolled his eyes and stepped in front of Kenshin looking down at the "best swordsman in Japan"  
  
"Japan doesn't take a day off. Listen Battosai, if you don't go then many people will be killed." he said bluntly knowing that Kenshin couldn't refuse if lives were on the line.  
  
"And you and Chuu can't handle it?" Kenshin asked.  
  
"Obviously not!" Saitou said giving Kenshin a cold glare. Kenshin sighed, but then he realized this would give him an excuse to get away from his Shisho and Mommy-dono.  
  
"Alright I'll go, you've convinced me..." Kenshin said, "I just have to tell Shisho I'm leaving..." Kenshin said. Saitou nodded.  
  
"So there really is another practitioner of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu style..." Saitou muttered. Kenshin nodded briefly and ran to where he last saw Hiko and Mummy-dono.  
  
"Shisho!!!" Kenshin called.  
  
"Over here Baka!" Hiko answered. Kenshin heard a thud. Clearly Mommy-dono didn't like Hiko calling him a baka.  
  
"Okay! I just wanted to tell you that I'm leaving with Saitou to save Japan again and I might not be back and so tell Mommy-dono not to make dinner for me!!!" Kenshin yelled and started running in the opposite direction that Hiko was in.  
  
"Okay... wait a minute... GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!" Hiko shouted running to where he thought Kenshin was.  
  
"DON'T YOU DARE HURT THAT POOR BOY!!!!" Susan yelled close behind.  
  
"RUN SAITOU RUN DE GOZARU YO!!!!" Kenshin yelled grabbing on to Saitou's arm and pulling him down the hill.  
  
"BATTOSAI WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!?!??" Saitou yelled in indignation.  
  
"Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu Ryuu Sho Sen!" Hiko yelled. Kenshin and Saitou barely dodged the attack. (It wouldn't hurt them though because Hiko was using a stick but it would sting).  
  
"Baka Denshi! Where do you think YOU'RE going!?!?" Hiko said with a glare. Kenshin gave a nervous laugh and stepped lightly behind Saitou getting a chibi look.  
  
"Anou... Out?" he asked nervously.  
  
"... out... Out... OUT!?!?!? IN THIS TIME OF CRISIS?!?!?!" Hiko yelled, "If I'm going to suffer you're suffering too!!!" Saitou felt a bit out of place but didn't show it.  
  
"Listen, the country needs Himura so you'll have to deal with your troubles with your wife." Hiko glared at Saitou.  
  
"No one asked you."  
  
"Hiko!!!" Susan yelled. Hiko winced, "That horrible woman..." he muttered again. Susan came up to Hiko and whacked him on the head yet again. Susan looked up at Saitou and then put on a pair of glasses.  
  
"... aren't you a little old to want to play with a sixteen year old boy?" Susan asked suspiciously.  
  
"What?" Saitou asked in confusion.  
  
"Never mind Saitou, let's just go and save people and all that, yes, quickly we should de gozaru yo!" Kenshin said trying to drag Saitou again. Saitou pulled Kenshin back.  
  
"What do you mean play with a sixteen year old boy?" Saitou asked again.  
  
"Where are you going with our son?" Susan asked looking carefully at Saitou.  
  
"...Tokyo..." Saitou said, "what do you mean son...?" Saitou looked over the man and woman in front of them, neither looked on bit like Kenshin...  
  
"YOU PLAN TO TAKE KENSHI-KINS TO TOKYO?!?!?" Susan screamed.  
  
"Mommy-dono..." Kenshin began.  
  
"Mommy-dono?" Saitou questioned knowing a bit of English.  
  
"YOU'RE RUNNING OFF WITH A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BOY TO TOKYO?!?!? PERVERT!!! PEDOPHILE!!!" Susan shouted.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?" Saitou said no longer able to keep his cold, calm, somewhat freaky mask.  
  
"HIKO!!!" Susan said reverting her attack to the Hiten master, "HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON?!?!?"  
  
"What?!? NOW LISTEN!!!" Hiko shouted.  
  
"BATTOSAI WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?!?" Saitou shouted. Kenshin tried to make himself as small as possible.  
  
"Saitou... meet my teacher Hiko and Mommy-dono..."  
  
Saitou: ... ... ... I can't believe what that woman just implied...  
  
Rainyday: that you liked sixteen year old boys?  
  
Saitou: that and the fact that she thought I would look at the Battosai in that way...  
  
Rainyday: there are fanfics...  
  
Saitou: ... (shudders)  
  
Kenshin: (also shudders) and how would you know this?  
  
Rainyday: ... ... ... erm... nevermind! Anyways Read and Review! 


End file.
